Irisviel Answers Complaints
by 16-horses
Summary: The characters of the Fate saga certainly have to put up with a lot, but Irisviel von Einzbern has decided to receive the complaints of Masters and Servants alike and hopefully address their issues. Predictably, she has her work cut out for her. Reader participation is encouraged! Latest chapter: Fiore Forvedge Yggdmillennia.
1. Kiritsugu Emiya

**I already have lots of complaints ready for Irisviel to receive, but if you, dear readers, have a particular wish to see a certain character or a certain complaint addressed, just say so in a review! Also, just because a character has already complained doesn't mean they can't again in the future. I will respond and update whenever life allows it. Thanks a bunch!**

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 **Current Client: Kiritsugu**

Irisviel: Kiritsugu? What are you doing here?

Kiritsugu: Hi, Irisviel. If you're going to be receiving complaints, then I would like to speak on the behalf of everyone in Fuyuki City and ask that a law be passed which prohibits my wife from driving.

Irisviel: I _am_ your wife.

Kiritsugu: You have to admit, Iri, you drive like a maniac.

Irisviel: Ha ha. Look, I'm going to be answering _real_ complaints here. All you let me do is drive around the castle courtyard. I'm entitled to let out a little energy once in a while.

Kiritsugu: And endanger everyone else on the road at the same time?

Irisviel: While you're at it, why don't you get that law passed worldwide, to ensure the safety of drivers everywhere? Now look what you made me do. You made me resort to sarcasm. Please, Kiritsugu. I'll try to slow down once in a while. Now, if my security camera is telling me anything, I have a long waiting line of clients, so if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work.

Kiritsugu: What do you have a security camera for?

Irisviel: For what security cameras are always for. Don't try and tell me some of those people don't look a little dangerous.

Kiritsugu: Very well, dear wife.

Irisviel: NEXT!


	2. Tokiomi Tohsaka

**Current Client: Tokiomi Tohsaka**

Irisviel: What's the problem?

Tokiomi: My Servant has a serious alcohol problem.

Irisviel: How serious are we talking here?

Tokiomi: He drank twenty bottles of wine, two six-packs of beer, and five gallons of vodka in one night.

Irisviel: How is he still alive?

Gilgamesh: Sheesh, maybe I just have a highly encouraged metabolism. What are you gawking at?

Irisviel: Alarming indeed, but I wouldn't worry too much over it, sir. He appears to be in perfect health. And after all, he could probably win the Holy Grail War for you just by breathing on all your enemies.

Gilgamesh: Save it, mongrel. Is there a bathroom around here?


	3. Arturia Pendragon

**Current Client: Arturia Pendragon**

Irisviel: Can I help you?

Arturia: Yeah. You see, I'm being stalked by this really creepy guy –

Irisviel: Hmm, yes, creepy guy. I think I know who you mean.

Arturia: You do?

Irisviel: Of course I do. Everybody knows.

Arturia: Everybody!?

Irisviel: Well, maybe not everybody. But he obviously doesn't believe in subtlety...

Gilgamesh: Marry me!

Arturia: I see what you mean, but how do I get rid of him?

Irisviel: Er, you might want to take this one to the police station...

Arturia: But we're Servants.

Irisviel: Well, there you have it. You're already obligated to kill him, so all you have to do is do your job and you'll be free of him.

Arturia: But –

Irisviel: Sorry, ma'am. Clients are waiting.


	4. Merlin

**Requested by: Guest**

 **Current Client: Merlin**

Irisviel: Oh goodness, I have no idea if this is a man or a woman. I'd better let them talk first.

Merlin: I've had it. I've absolutely had it!

Irisviel: Had what, sir – uh, ma'am; er – help me out here.

Merlin: It's sir.

Irisviel: Thank you. Now, what have you 'had', exactly?

Merlin: Simply put, I'M TIRED. I've done everything in my power to keep those two together: I've tried creating time paradoxes and loopholes in the fabric of time and space, I've tried Servant-binding rituals and body spells, but it's NOT WORKING.

Irisviel: My, this is embarrassing – I'm a mage and I only understood about half of what you said. Who is this 'they' you speak of?

Merlin: Your son Shirou and Saber, of course! I'm trying to reunite them, but no matter what I do, I can't stop Saber disappearing at the war's end! Do you know how many times I've gone back in time trying to stop it!?

Irisviel: Er –

Merlin: And I've had enough! I want to complain about this whole Servant policy thing. Why shouldn't Masters be able to keep their Servants as long as they want!? It's their mana that's being used! And they might as well get something out of that stupid war!

Irisviel: It's going to take a miracle to pull that off, sir. But why do you want to reunite them so badly?

Merlin: England needs a king, of course. Arturia's not going to live forever.

Irisviel: Hmm. While I believe you are several centuries late, I can agree with your way of thinking. After all, grandkids are every mother's dream, aren't they? And I have all these wedding dress catalogues...

Merlin: I knew you would understand.

Irisviel: …and I'd make a seven-tier cake decorated with little Excaliburs; Ilya could be the flower girl...

Merlin: Ma'am? I still need an answer.

Irisviel: ...I suppose that nice Tohsaka girl could be the maid of honor. After all, she and Shirou are such good friends. Now, what kind of ring would be best...?


	5. Rin, Sakura, and Illya Part I

**Requested by: aliesterus**

 **Current Client: Rin Tohsaka, Sakura Matou, and Illya von Einzbern Part I**

Irisviel: Illya! My dear little almond blossom, how _is_ life treating you these days?

Illya: There's no time for that, Mother. Someone dear to us all is in grave danger as we speak.

Irisviel: Oh, goodness! Who is it?

Rin: It's that dummy Shirou!

Irisviel: Now what is he doing?

Rin: Nothing! He doesn't _need_ to do anything! But the whole darn world's got it out for him, and we're sick and tired of rescuing him and psyching him and keeping him sane all the time!

Irisviel: And you want me to...?

Sakura: Please, Mrs. von Einzbern, isn't there some way to achieve peace between Shirou and the other Masters and Servants? Negotiate? Treaty? Anything?

Irisviel: But you're all at war. Peace isn't the point.

Illya: But they're making his life miserable!

Irisviel: Says the girl who set her insane, 700-pound Servant on him.

Illya: Mother!

Irisviel: Look, girls, I don't like to see the boy suffer anymore than you do. But if he's managed to survive numerous fatal wounds, brutal impalement, no-holds-barred beatdowns, the constant companionship of a tsundere, and enough trama for several lifetimes, then he is practically indestructible. Wait out the war, girls, and he'll get his break.

Rin: But it doesn't even make sense! Why should he be such a target!? It's not like he's a real threat or anything!

Sakura: But he is a rival Master.

Rin: Master or not, he's not exactly the most intelligent person in the universe. He's not even all that strong. Pretty blah-looking too. I mean, he's got NOTHING going for him.

Irisviel: Except Saber.

Rin: Good point.

Illya: So what do we do?

Irisviel: Haven't you been listening? Just win that stinkin' war already!


	6. Shirou Kotomine Part I

**Current Client: Shirou Kotomine Part I**

Irisviel: Oh, uh, hi, Archer.

Shirou: Archer? What are you talking about?

Irisviel: I like your hair.

Shirou: Um, thank you.

Irisviel: So, what's your complaint?

Shirou: Well, you see, my name's Shirou Ko-

Irisviel: Ah, finally admitting it, are we?

Shirou: W-what? Admitting what?

Irisviel: That you and Shirou are the same person.

Shirou: I _am_ Shirou.

Irisviel: Exactly!

Shirou: Okay, whatever. I don't even know what to say to that. The problem is my _last_ name. I hate it.

Irisiviel: You're adopted.

Shirou: Well, I know that.

Irisviel: So what's the problem?

Shirou: I told you, I HATE it! I have to share it with that douchebag, K-

Irisviel: Whoa, whoa, hold on. I thought you loved him.

Shirou: WHAT!?

Irisviel: Honestly, teenagers these days. I don't know what to say. Look, if you hate it so much, find out what your original surname was and get your name changed. I don't care.

Shirou: But I already know – oh, whatever.

 **Oh, silly Irisviel... she will never find out.**


	7. Shirou Emiya Part I

**Requested by: Animan10**

 **Current Client: Shirou Emiya Part I**

Shirou: Mom! I –

Irisviel: Wait, wait. You're Shirou, right? Shirou Emiya?

Shirou: Um, yes.

Irisviel: Good. Just making sure. It's been an interesting day... Anyway, how can I help you?

Shirou: Well, I want to be a hero –

Irisviel: Ah, doesn't every young boy?

Shirou: – but Archer says I'll never be one, and all Grail-kun did was give me a knife and tell me to kill a million people! I don't want to kill everyone, I want to save them! All of them!

Irisviel: Grail-kun?

Shirou: The Holy Grail.

Irisviel: The Holy Grail gave you advice?

Shirou: Yeah.

Irisviel: And you listened to it?

Shirou: Er –

Irisviel: This is truly sad. Look, you don't have to listen to Archer, and you definitely don't have to listen to Grail-kun or whatever you said. Who cares what they think? You can become a hero if you only believe in yourself!

Shirou: That's... incredibly cheesy.

Irisviel: I know, I know. I couldn't think of anything else to say.


	8. EMIYA

**Requested by: GordyGordiant**

 **Current** **Client: EMIYA**

Irisviel: Oh my, I'm getting all the Shirous and Emiyas today. What's your issue?

EMIYA: No one thinks I'm cool anymore.

Irisviel: Hey, hey, I think you're cool.

EMIYA: You don't count.

Irisviel: Well, excuse me.

EMIYA: I've always been the 'cool' Shirou. I'm the unshakable one, the formidable one, the handsome one.

Irisviel: Hmm, can't argue with you there.

EMIYA: But now this 'bad boy' persona of mine has shown up, and all of a sudden I'm in the dust while he gets all the attention.

Irisviel: I thought you were unshakable.

EMIYA: That's not the point.

Irisviel: That doesn't even make sense.

EMIYA: My entire existance doesn't make sense.

Irisviel: Huh, you're right again. But what do you want me to do?

EMIYA: I don't know. Make people like me again. Make them reject this 'EMIYA Alter' person.

Irisviel: I don't know if that's strictly possible. You know girls always fall for the bad boys –

EMIYA: I never said anything about girls.

Irisviel: _Ahem_. What you need to do is go on being an upright hero, fighting for all that is good and pure. In the end, good always wins.

EMIYA: And will people think I'm cool again?

Irisviel: Maybe, maybe not. Your hair is definitely cooler than Alter's, at least. No one's going to debate that.

EMIYA:... Thanks. I guess.

Irisviel: My pleasure. By the way, did you happen to see a smallish guy with really spiky hair who looks almost exactly like you on your way here?

EMIYA: What?

Irisviel: Never mind.

 **Poor, poor Irisviel... she's still trying to sort it all out.**


	9. Cú Chulainn

**Requested by: Manu259**

 **Current Client: Cú Chulainn**

Irisviel: Angry man walking toward me with a spear. ANGRY MAN WALKING TOWARD ME WITH A SPEAR.

Cú Chulainn: Hey, lady, I need some help.

Irisivel: I SWEAR I DIDN'T – wait, what? Uh, yeah, sure! I can help. What seems to be the problem?

Cú Chulainn: I keep dying.

Irisviel: You aren't human!

Cú Chulainn: What?

Irisviel: I'm sorry, I just felt like saying that. Ahem. Do expand.

Cú Chulainn: There's nothing to expand on! In all three routes of Fate/Stay Night I die a horrible death, and I want to live!

Irisviel: Almost everyone dies in Fate/Stay Night. It's just that kind of story. I die horribly in my own story, too.

Cú Chulainn: I could at least last a little longer! I'm the disposable character! I'm the laughingstock!

Irisviel: Oh my.

Cú Chulainn: AND THEN people have the nerve to complain that I'm too hard to kill in Fate/Grand Order! WELL EXCUSE ME FOR WANTING TO SURVIVE!

Irisviel:...

Cú Chulainn: Lady? Why are you hiding under your desk?

Irisviel: You're kind of scary, you know.

Cú Chulainn: Thank you. So what can you do for me?

Irisviel: D-do for you?

Cú Chulainn: About the whole dying thing?

Irisviel: H-hey, I'm not in charge of who dies or anything. How am I supposed to keep you from dying? Heck, how are you even here? Most people stay down after they've died, even if they've only died once.

Cú Chulainn: Go on. Say it. I dare you to.

Irisviel: People die when they are –

Cú Chulainn: You're useless. I'll just find a way to survive on my own.

Irisviel: Good luck with that. Wait, on second thought, maybe that's not the best goodbye wish...


	10. Mordred

**Requested by: BananaMoe21**

 **Current Client: Mordred**

Irisviel: Oh my, this one looks mad. Yes?

Mordred: I have daddy issues.

Irisviel: Oh, you poor dear. Do you want to talk about it?

Mordred: Okay, first of all, my dad's a lady. That stupid Merlin magicked her into a guy and I don't even know why, and then my mom did some stupid magic and then I was born, and now my dad hates me and doesn't even pay attention to me even though I'm, like, the coolest and bestest of her knights, and she's not going to let me be her heir, and she's never going to like me, EVER!

Irisviel: Well, that was a lot to digest all at once. Oh dear, you see, I'm not a counselor or a psychiatrist or anything. I don't know how to make you feel better.

Mordred: I don't want to feel better!

Irisviel: Did you just want to rant?

Mordred: I WANT TO KILL MY DAD! I WANT HER TO ACCEPT ME! I WANT TO SMASH HER FACE IN!

Irisviel: Handkerchief?

Mordred: *sniff*

Irisviel: Would you like some cookies?

Mordred: Cookies?

Irisviel: I made them this morning. There's milk too.

Mordred: *sniff* Okay.


	11. Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

**I'm getting swamped by reviews at the moments, so it will take some time for everyone's requests to be written. Don't worry; I'll get to them all eventually.**

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 **Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne**

Irisviel: And here comes another cute muscular guy in a skintight suit... I hope I'm not blushing.

Diarmuid: I want a second chance at life.

Irisviel: That's what being a Servant is about, sir.

Diarmuid: Then I mean I want a second chance at being a Servant. All I wanted was to faithfully serve my Master, fight glorious battles, and die honorably. But I was denied all that. It is not the place of a knight to resent his lord, but my trust and honor has been broken.

Irisviel: This is the saddest thing I've heard all day... and believe me, I've heard some pretty sad things in the past few hours. Now, I believe only the Holy Grail has the power to...

Diarmuid: Is something the matter? You stopped all of a sudden.

Irisviel: Wait a minute... if you were killed in the Holy Grail War, how are you here now?

Diarmuid: Seriously?

Irisviel: Hmm?

Diarmuid: You've had clients from alternate timelines, from the future, from the past, from alternate universes with completely unexplained phenomena, with the fabric of time and space all but obliterated, and straight from the grave, of all places, and you're wondering how I'm alive right now?

Irisviel: Um.

Diarmuid: Forgive me. I did not mean to shout.

Irisviel: No, no, it's fine. Er, look, how about I set you up with Kayneth and you can talk it all out. Sound good?

Diarmuid: I – guess.

Irisviel: Yay! You know, I think Kiritsugu had better be there too. He's my hubby, but I really must object to his part in your little drama.

Diarmuid: Drama?

Irisviel: Now then... have you ever considered wearing concealer?


	12. Illyasviel von Einzbern Part I

**Requested by: DigiXBot**

 **Current Client: Illyasviel von Einzbern Part I**

Irisviel: Welcome back, dear!

Illya: Hi, Mom. Look, I need help.

Irisviel: That's what they all come for.

Illya: I want to be one of Shirou's love interests.

Irisviel: As if three wasn't enough already... sweetie, are you certain about this?

Illya: Of course I am! I deserve to have the same status as those other girls!

Irisviel: Except you're permanently locked into the body of a nine-year-old...

Illya: And I'm older than any of them! I'm older than Shirou! I'm perfectly eligible!

Irisviel: Except you're still permanently locked into the body of a nine-year-old.

Illya: You're his mom. Can't you put in a good word for me?

Irisviel: Illya, I'm _your_ mom. While getting romantically involved with your adopted brother is technically permissible, it's still kind of weird. It's perfectly understandable why he doesn't think of you in that way. I'm afraid this is all up to him. If he doesn't want a romantic relationship, then that's his choice and you have to live with it.

Illya: But Mom!

Irisviel: Hey, hey, how about I buy you the newest _Street Fighter_ game, hmm? What do you say to that?

Illya: Really?

Irisviel: Totally!

Illya: That's fair enough. I suppose.

 **I know nothing of Street Fighter beyond the name. It just seems like something Illya would play.**


	13. Atalanta

**Over five thousand views! You guys are awesome. Thank you for all your support!**

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 **Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Atalanta**

Irisviel: Cat ears. This one has cat ears.

Atalanta: Greetings, I –

Irisviel: CAT EARS! Oh my gosh, those are the cutest things I've ever seen! They're so big! And fluffy! Oooh, can I feel them!?

Atalanta: Restrain yourself, madam!

Irisviel: Oh, I'm sorry; I just couldn't resist! Not even a little touch?

Atalanta: Madam, I am here to complain of the violent outbursts of emotion I am continually affronted with over my ears and, on occasion, my tail. They are the marks of a wild beast, and I do not wish to be fawned over as though I were some household pet. I am a huntress.

Irisviel: Oo, look at how they move... I'm sorry, what was that?

Atalanta: Are you not here in order to address the complaints of the beleagured populace? It is most unfitting for one in your position to pay such poor attention to those who have come to you for relief and guidance.

Irisviel: Yes, yes, you're right of course. Do forgive me. Now, how can I help you in your problem?

Atalanta: Inform the populace of my desire to be left in peace over my animalistic attributes. I do not appreciate such undue attention.

Irisviel: Yes, ma'am.

Atalanta: Excellent. Now, if you could most graciously direct me to the nearest bakery...

Irisviel: Bakery?

Atalanta: Yes, a shop where one can aquire all manner of baked goods. I assume you know of such?

Irisviel: Oh, o-of course. Um, there's one a couple blocks away. It's next to the bookstore.

Atalanta: Thank you, madam, for your time and cooperation. I shall be on my way now. I have a deep craving for apple pie.

Irisviel: Just look at that cute little tail...


	14. Rin, Sakura, and Illya Part II

**I have a ton of requests to fill, so just so it's clear, I'll write them in the order they were posted. In other words, it's first come first serve. But don't worry, in the end everyone will be served.**

 **I just realized I've been spelling Illya wrong all this time... oh well, easily fixed.**

 **Requested by: aliesterus**

 **Current Client: Rin, Sakura, and Illya Part II**

Irisviel: Oh, hello, girls! Back so soon? I would offer you cookies, but I'm afraid I'm all out. An ealier client of mine... well, she had emotional issues.

Rin: Hmph. Hog.

Sakura: Mrs. von Einzbern, we need your help again.

Irisviel: Anything for you, dear.

Sakura: You see, the Holy Grail War is won...

Rin: By us, of course.

Irisviel: All of you?

Illya: 'Cause we're all on the same team!

Irisviel: I see.

Sakura: Everything should be just fine now. But... it's not.

Irisviel: What's the problem?

Rin: It's Shirou.

Irisviel: Yet again.

Rin: The whole darn world has still got it out for him. There's no reason why anyone should want to kill him now, but that idiot's constantly got one foot in the grave, the way things are going for him.

Irisviel: What 'things' exactly?

Illya: The surviving competitors of the war are always trying to ruin his life and casting curses on him. It took me two weeks to get rid of the paralysis curse!

Rin: We had to have Archer bathe him and change his clothes and everything. Do you have any idea what I had to do to get him to agree to that?

Irisviel: I just wish he'd pick one of you girls already. I've had this engagement ring sitting around since forever.

Sakura: And Archer's also part of the problem. He somehow survived the war, and he still thinks Shirou is a pathetic dumbed-down dweeb-faced super-duper lame version of him.

Irisviel: Wow. Did you have that memorized?

Illya: Things are crazy! We all just want to live happily!

Irisviel: W-what am I supposed to do!?

Illya: We want you to make a magical barrier to surround Shirou wherever he goes. That way no one will be able to hurt him!

Irisviel: Why me? You're a mage too. You all are.

Illya: But you're a really good mage!

Irisviel: As much as it warms my heart to see my daughter placing such trust in me, I'm afraid I must refuse. The boy can't live in a magic bubble the rest of his life. And I too have a life to live, and can't be spending my every waking moment keeping the barrier up. You three are all powerful mages. Magi. Maguses. Whichever is the correct term.

Rin: I told you we shouldn't have asked her.

Illya: I know! We can ask that pretty lady, Luv-

Rin: NO!


	15. Hassan-i-Sabbah

**Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Hassan-i-Sabbah**

Irisviel: Don't panic, don't panic...

Hassan-i-Sabbah: We want to say –

Irisviel: Whoa, whoa, don't all talk at once. That's creepy. Just one of you talk, okay?

Zayd: Our death was unnecessarily violent. We are Assassins. The battleground was not fair. Rider had far too many advantages.

Irisviel: Not fair? Even I know this stuff! War isn't fair! The whole point is to find advantages over your enemy! You're Assassins! Nothing you do is fair!

Zayd: It was far too dramatic, unleashing his entire Reality Marble.

Irisviel: Oh, I see. It was the over-the-top theatrics that you don't like?

Asako: It was horrible.

Irisviel: Assassins to the core. Look, all of you were there, you had him surrounded – what did you think he was going to do? Or are you just mad that you didn't last longer?

Zayd: Why are we still talking?

Asako: We will find no sympathy here.

Irisviel: Well, good riddance. You think you have it bad? I've had two separate guys who committed forced suicide come in here. All you did was get speared and trampled to death. Ugh. Anyway, let's make more cookies...


	16. Jeanne d'Arc

**Requested by: KnightSpark**

 **Current Client: Jeanne d'Arc**

Irisviel: Hel-

Jeanne: I quit. I. Quit.

Irisviel: Uh, quit what?

Jeanne: The war. This Ruler business. Fourteen Masters and fourteen Servants is far too much to keep in check. There's only one of me, and some of them are downright impossible to track or even approach. I am constantly pressured to abuse my authority as well as being plagued by stupid questions. It all came to a head when I figured out there was already another Ruler-class Servant in existance. It's the final straw. The final, ultimate, crowning straw. I am so done with this madness.

Irisviel: I suppose being a Ruler's not all it's made out to be. But how can there be two Rulers at once? Unless the war is such a screwed-up mess that there _has_ to be –

Jeanne: He's from a previous war. I thought he was just an ordinary Master, but it turns out he's actually a Ruler from the Third Holy Grail War, and now he's got six Servants and is messing everything up royally. If I were not an impartial authority, I would kill him for all the trouble he has caused.

Irisviel: *giggle*

Jeanne: What's so funny?

Irisviel: Ruler... 'royally'... *giggle*

Jeanne: That was unintentional. But as it is, I am quitting my role as the Ruler of the Great Holy Grail War. It's just not worth it anymore.

Irisviel: So what do you want me to do? Find a new Ruler?

Jeanne: Shirou can be the Ruler for all I care. I'm just giving you notice.

Irisviel:...

Jeanne: Ma'am? Are you unwell?

Irisviel: Shirou... is a Ruler?

Jeanne: Yes, that fact has been established.

Irisviel: B-but I – he's not – I thought – he's my son!

Jeanne: But you are an Einzbern. And a homunculus. He is neither.

Irisviel: I adopted him! Well, my husband adopted him.

Jeanne: I am not sure where you are getting all this from. I believe Risei Kotomine adopted him.

Irisviel: Kirei's father? But that's ridiculous!

Jeanne: I... have nothing more to say. Good day.

Irisviel: Good day to you too. I... think I need to have a talk with my son.


	17. Shirou Emiya Part II

**Requested by: BananaMoe21**

 **Current Client: Shirou Emiya Part II**

Shirou: Hey, Mom, I've been thinking –

Irisviel: Shirou! The person I've been meaning to see. Sit down, son. We need to have a talk.

Shirou: A-about what?

Irisviel: Just answer me truthfully. Have you gotten yourself adopted into Kirei's family?

Shirou: W-why would I do that!? He's my enemy!

Irisviel: Are you secretly a Ruler-class Servant from a previous Holy Grail War?

Shirou: What are you talking about!?

Irisviel: Well, are you? Hmm?

Shirou:...

Irisviel: And... he's going into shock. *sigh* Just tell me what your complaint is. I'll look into this all later.

Shirou: W-w-well, I w-wanted to s-say I'm t-tired of all this c-c-competition between the g-girls over m-me...

Irisviel: You mean for your affection?

Shirou: Y-yes...

Irisviel: Oh, for the love of – look, it's your fault for getting involved with them all at once.

Shirou: It w-wasn't like that. It h-had to do with the w-war. Th-they just all h-happened to b-be girls...

Irisviel: Dear God, what did I do to deserve this? Just – just choose one of them already! Continue being good friends with the rest, but quit leading them on and figure out what you're going to do with your life!

Shirou: I-I'm not leading them on!

Irisviel: I can feel my blood pressure increasing by the second.

Shirou: Mom, I don't know who to choose!

Irisviel: You're going to have to buckle down and make yourself choose, or I'll choose for you.

Shirou: Mom! You wouldn't!

Irisviel: Oho, wouldn't I? Just watch me.

Shirou: I'll choose! I'll choose!

Irisviel: That's more like it. Now, I don't want to hear one more word about this harem of yours. Is that clear?

Shirou: Yes, Mom.

Irisviel: But don't choose Illya.

Shirou: I wasn't –

Irisviel: Good, good. Now go fight your war or whatever it is you do these days. I've got work to do.


	18. Medusa

**This next request actually counted as four at the same time... which means this chapter and the next three are all booked. This wasn't looking out to be a short fic anyway...**

* * *

 **Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Medusa**

Irisviel: Wow. How do you see with that mask on?

Medusa: That is exactly the kind of question I am here to complain to you about.

Irisviel: Oh. Um, sorry.

Medusa: The truth is, I can't.

Irisviel: I suppose I could have figured that out on my own...

Medusa: I rely on my natural senses as well as my magic detection abilities. My perception of the world around me is really much more precise than if I did use my eyes.

Irisviel: You don't say...? But why do you wear the mask anyway?

Medusa: I'm Medusa.

Irisviel: You probably think I'm an idiot by now. And you'd be right.

Medusa: I believe it should be clear to everyone that I in no way need my sight, and I wish to be left in peace concerning it.

Irisviel: You know, you remind me very much of another young lady who came in here. Something about people not leaving her alone about her ears. All _I_ can say is that I've never seen anything so fluffy or adorable in my life.

Medusa: Why are you telling me this?


	19. Frankenstein

**Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Frankenstein**

Irisviel:...

Frankenstein:...

Irisviel: Excuse me, what's all this?

Caules: She seemed to want to see you, so I took her. I don't know what she wants, though.

Irisviel: Can she talk?

Caules: Not that I've seen.

Frankenstein: *grunts*

Irisviel: Well, that was informative.

Frankenstein: *grabs Caules' hand and yanks it toward Irisviel*

Irisviel: I'm afraid I don't follow.

Frankenstein: *grabs Caules' hand with both hands and leans against him*

Irisviel: Umm...

Caules: I have no idea. She's been doing this all day.

Frankenstein: *holds up Caules' finger, then her own*

Irisviel: Oh... my...

Caules: What? Have you figured it out?

Irisviel: Er, yes, I have. Um, you see, what she wants is... that is to say –

Caules: Well, say it already!

Irisviel: She – she wants to marry you.

Frankenstein: *nods vigorously*

Caules: She... _what_?

Irisviel: Well, she _is_ wearing a wedding dress.

Caules: That's – that's what she always wears!

Irisviel: If she usually acts like that, then I'm amazed you didn't pick up on this earlier.

Caules: But – b-but –

Irisviel: I know a good florist...


	20. Astolfo

**Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Astolfo**

Irisviel: Oh, great, another one of these. I think it's a girl but I can't be sure...

Astolfo: Hi!

Irisviel: They don't look terribly distraught... um, pardon my asking, but are you a boy or a girl?

Astolfo:... Yes.

Irisviel: AHEM.

Astolfo: I'm a boy, silly!

Irisviel: Right. Of course. Silly me.

Astolfo: I heard there was a funny lady giving people advice, so I decided to check it out. Saber of Red said you made great cookies. Can I have some?

Irisviel: No.

Astolfo: Assassin of Red's Master didn't really like you. He said you kept asking dumb questions.

Irisviel: My apologies.

Astolfo: He said you were a homunculus, like Sieg. I didn't think it was true. But you are a homunculus, aren't you? You don't look very much like Sieg. But you're a lot older than him. He's not going to live very long. How long are you going to live? You must have already lived a long time...

 **Five Hours Later**

Astolfo:... and now Berserker of Black's going to marry her Master, and my Master thinks it's the silliest thing ever...

Irisviel: Excuse me, but when are you going to make your complaint?

Astolfo: My complaint?

Irisviel: Yes, the reason you came here.

Astolfo: Ha ha! I didn't come to complain! I just wanted to check this all out!

Irisviel: Uh-huh. Look, you're going to have to leave. I have clients waiting, and you're wasting my time.

Astolfo: But I don't want to leave!

Irisviel: Look, I'll bake you cookies if you leave. How's that?

Astolfo: Sure!

Irisviel: Darn it. I'm out of sugar.


	21. Shakespeare

**Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Shakespeare**

Irisviel: Who – who are you?

Shakespeare: Why, I am William Shakespeare, playwright of the ages.

Irisviel: Shakespeare? As in _the_ Shakespeare!? Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I – I've read all your plays! I'm a huge fan of _As You Like It!_ You practically invented the English language! I love all your big weird words...

Shakespeare: You know my work? Excellent!

Irisviel: Oh yes! My husband also enjoys your plays. We used to read them together.

Shakespeare: Ah, true appreciation for great literature is still alive and well in this modern day, I see.

Irisviel: Yes, yes! Your work is read less and less these days, or brushed off as vague and difficult, but there are some like me who still enjoy the antiquated works. But, I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be doing my job here. Is there a, er, complaint you wish to have addressed?

Shakespeare: Ah, yes, it is my fellow Servants. None of them have so much as opened one of my books, and they express no desire to.

Irisviel: Oh, so you want to be appreciated by your teammates?

Shakespeare: Why, yes. What else is there for a writer?

Irisviel: Hmm, I've often heard that the mind of a writer is a strange place... I'm no writer, so I can't hope to understand your motivations completely, but I will do my best. I'm afraid patience is the best policy here. After all, you are in the middle of a war, so there's not much time for reading.

Shakespeare: But not even our Master has read them! It is disgraceful!

Irisviel: Our Master... oh, yes, I had heard something about one Master having six or something Servants. Hmm, I still haven't gotten the truth out of my son, but he'll crack sooner or later. Strange, though, I could have sworn he was studying _Othello_ just last month... anyway, I'm getting distracted. Just relax. I'm sure someone'll pick up a play sooner or later. Other than that, you can't really make people read them. At least most people have heard of you.

Shakespeare: It would seem you are right... but is my Master truly your son?

Irisviel: I don't know anything anymore. Nothing today has made any sense. But hey, while you're here, I have a question about _Hamlet_. You see, I could never figure out if Hamlet was truly losing his mind with stress and paranoia, or if it really was just an act...


	22. Sir Lancelot

**I was going to do all the Knights of the Round Table in one chapter, until I realized exactly how many there were. There's literally a dozen of them, so once again, I'm booked.**

* * *

 **Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Lancelot**

Irisviel: And this is where I die.

Lancelot: RRRAAAAUUURRRRTTTHHHUUUURRRR!

Irisviel: I'm prepared, I'm prepared. I knew this day would come...

Lancelot: *coughs* *removes helmet* Excuse me. Sorry about that.

Irisviel: That was... unexpected.

Lancelot: Why do I only get to take my helmet off once?

Irisviel: What?

Lancelot: In Fate/Zero, I only get to take my helmet off once, and that's only because Arturia sliced it open.

Irisviel: And the problem here is... what?

Lancelot: I have such beautiful hair...

Irisviel: Please tell me you're joking.

Lancelot: No, I mean it.

Irisviel: Look, it may be beautiful now, when you're not all crazy (for some unknown reason), but in the actual show when you _are_ crazy, it's not exactly a sight for sore eyes. But I mean, seriously, your hair? I thought you were going to complain about having to fight in the same war as Arturia or something. You know, something deep and complicated. Not something so trivial as your _hair_. This is kind of a disappointment.

Lancelot: You can think what you like. I still don't like it.

Irisviel: Well, excuse me, princess.

Lancelot: What did you call me?

Irisviel: Whoa, whoa, don't go getting all crazy red-eyed on me! It's okay, it's okay! Calm down! Seriously calm down! H-here, put your helmet back on! Just take a deep breath and – oh no. Oh no, oh no, OH NO! AAAAHHH! HEEELLLP!

 **I hope you liked that Legend of Zelda reference.**


	23. Sir Bedivere

**Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Bedivere**

Irisviel: Oo, he looks nice.

Bedivere: Hello.

Irisviel: Hello! How can I help you? Pardon the appearance of my office. I haven't quite finished cleaning it up after my last client's visit.

Bedivere: I-I – I just – all I –

Irisviel: It's okay. You can tell me. Anything you say here is strictly confidential. Well, wait. That hasn't been true for everyone... well, I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to.

Bedivere: Er, thanks. It's just that –

Irisviel: Yes?

Bedivere: I've served the king all my life. I have been loyal to him for more years than I can count. I live to serve him, and I would do anything he asked me to. But...

Irisviel: There's always a 'but'.

Bedivere: Not once have I seen him... smile.

Irisviel: Smile?

Bedivere: Yes. All I wish is to see him smile. Just one time.

Irisviel: This... is sad. Very sad. That is your wish?

Bedivere: My only one.

Irisviel: I've got to remedy this. I think I can help you. I can set you up with your King – um, King –

Bedivere: Arthur.

Irisviel: Ah, yes, Arthur – wait, Arthur? Arthur as in _Arthur_?

Bedivere: Ye-es.

Irisviel: Holy buckets, he has no idea. Exactly how close a look have you ever gotten at the king?

Bedivere: Is this a trick question?

Irisviel: No! No. Don't mind me at all. Erm, I think your king would be more than willing to oblige you should you ask heeerr-him.

Bedivere: But I cannot elevate my own desires so!

Irisviel: Oh, just try it. I think you'll be surprised – _in more ways than one_.

Bedivere: If you say so...

Irisviel: Oh, I do.


	24. Sir Gawain

**It seems so long ago when I rejoiced over five thousand views... it's almost fifteen thousand now. I love you all.**

* * *

 **Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Gawain**

Gawain: Are you in?

Irisviel: Oh, uh, hi – look, I'm kind of busy right now. I have to deliver these cookies to – oh, all right. Make it quick.

Gawain: I'm not normally the type to harbor grudges... but screw all that. It's Sir Lancelot.

Irisviel: What'd he do to you? Trash your office?

Gawain: No! He's a great knight, and the king loves him, and he's definitely apologized, but I'm still mad about it and no one really seems to get me, but I mean, wouldn't YOU be mad?

Irisviel: Uh, mad about what?

Gawain: He killed my brothers! Both of them!

Irisviel: Oh, great. Just what I need. Revenge. Look, if he's already apologized, then what more do you want from him?

Gawain: I don't know! I just – he can just STOP BEING SO PERFECT!

Irisviel: I... think that has already been covered, sir.

Gawain: What do you mean?

Irisviel: We-e-ell... he's a few knights short of an army, if you catch my drift.

Gawain: Not really.

Irisviel: He's crazy. Nuts. Gone bonkers. As berserk a Berserker as they can get. He is definitely not your perfect, holy knight.

Gawain: Oh. Okay.

Irisviel: Are you good now?

Gawain: No. My horse calls me a gorilla.

Irisviel: Your horse... calls you a gorilla.

Gawain: Yes.

Irisviel: Well, it's refreshing to see I haven't lost my ability to be surprised...


	25. Sir Tristan

**Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Tristan**

Irisviel: Huh. Is he sleepwalking?

Tristan: No.

Irisviel: Aah! Oh! You're awake! Uh, sorry about that. You just look so sad – and beautiful.

Tristan: I'm often told that.

Irisviel: Uhh... what's your complaint?

Tristan: I cannot marry the woman I love.

Irisviel: Aw, sorry to hear it. What's in the way?

Tristan: The king.

Irisviel: Wait... I thought Lancelot was involved with the king's beloved, not you.

Tristan: I'm not talking about King Arthur.

Irisviel: Ah, that clears it up. Sorry. Go on.

Tristan: Ours was not even a natural love. It was the effect of a love potion.

Irisviel: Oh, those pesky love potions. Who gave it to you?

Tristan: I don't know.

Irisviel: Oo, I've think I've bitten off a little more than I can chew, taking on this job. So you want me to... what?

Tristan: Resolve me with the king. Reconcile my wife with me. Reunite me with Iseult.

Irisviel: Well, how am I supposed to do all that?

Tristan: I don't know.

Irisviel: You're kind of an airhead, you know.

Tristan: Thank you.

Irisviel: I can hardly tell if he was being sarcastic or not.


	26. Sir Agravain

**Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Agravain**

Irisviel: Oh my, I'm getting all the knights today. What's your issue?

Agravain: The king has lied to us all. It is not only shocking, but scandalous as well.

Irisviel: Why, what'd she lie about? Oops! I didn't mean to let that slip. Pretend you didn't hear anything!

Agravain: I already know. That's the lie.

Irisviel: Wha – you – you mean you know King Arthur is actually a – you know...

Agravain: Yes.

Irisviel: Uh-huh... so you're mad that Arthur – er, Arturia – pretended to be a man?

Agravain: I believe I made that perfectly obvious.

Irisviel: Goodness, everyone these days is so touchy. But it was for the good of the kingdom. Don't you see?

Agravain: All I see is that I now have a huge personal dilemma to work through.

Irisviel: I'm a complaint-receiver, not a counselor...

Agravain: My mother wants me to destroy the king. I wish to help her. But after enduring my mother's wiles and manipulation... I cannot bear the mere presence of a woman. I do not hate the king; I love her, after a fashion. But this – this cannot be reconciled.

Irisviel: Ugh, why didn't I decide to be the coffee lady or something? Obviously you're going to just have to overlook the fact that she's a woman. I mean, this is one woman you can love. She's not like your mother.

Agravain:...

Irisviel:...

Agravain: I knew I shouldn't have asked a woman for advice.

Irisviel: Wh-what!? Hey! You get back here! That's not – aaargh!


	27. Sir Galahad

**Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Galahad**

Irisviel: Hello. Hmm, I'm pretty sure I've seen you around before. But you were a girl.

Galahad: Ri-i-ight. That would be my host.

Irisviel: Um. Anyway, what are you here for?

Galahad: Er, it's the host thing I wanted to talk about...

Irisviel: Hoo boy.

Galahad: I'm really, really tired of remaining dormant in that girl. I want to awaken, to live again! But that could kill her, and I can't do that. But I'm afraid I'll snap or something, and that will definitely kill her!

Irisviel: If you can't leave her, then how – you know what, I shouldn't even ask anymore. Not after all I've seen in here.

Galahad: Tell me! How can we both be free!?

Irisviel: The first thing that comes to mind is 'make a wish of the Holy Grail' –

Galahad: Of course! Why didn't I think of that!?

Irisviel: That's not what I –

Galahad: Mash has a Master and everything! We can win this war together! Even if I must fade away, we will not be bound to each other anymore. I will be free! No longer condemned to sleep within a tormented girl's body and soul! We will all be free!

Irisviel: What. Have I done.


	28. Sir Kay

**Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Kay**

Kay: I'm tired...

Irisviel: Me too.

Kay:...of keeping this secret. I've kept it all my life, but I can't take it anymore! I can't take it, watching people treat her the way they do! I'm always thinking, 'If only they knew'; well, now they're going to know. Everything and everyone's gone mad anyways. Might as well let all out!

Irisviel: Well, I'm glad you've come to a decision. What is this secret?

Kay: King Arthur... is a woman.

Irisviel: *sighs* Oh, really. Everybody knows that by now.

Kay: Really? I didn't – wait, WHAT?

Irisviel: This is backstage Fate, if you will. There are no secrets here. Nothing makes sense.

Kay: B-but – I've been living with this secret since I was a boy... I've guarded it so faithfully... are you telling me it doesn't matter?

Irisviel: 'Fraid so.

Kay: AFTER ALL THAT –

Irisviel: Sir, please calm down. I've had enough berserk knights in here.


	29. Sir Percival

**I'm not going to write complaints for all the Knights of the Round Table, as Sirs Gareth and Gaheris have to be dead for Gawain's complaint to make any sense (and heaven knows _something_ in this story has to), and I don't have enough information on Sir Palamedes to even come up with a complaint.**

* * *

 **Requested by: ZenoZen**

 **Current Client: Sir Percival**

Irisviel: Hmm. Good thing I've got a box of tissues ready.

Percival: Ma'am?

Irisviel: Here, help yourself to these tissues. What seems to be the matter?

Percival: I don't know if I'm a good knight or not.

Irisviel: Oh, you poor man. Do explain.

Percival: I always thought I was the 'cream of the crop' when it came to being a Heroic Spirit, but I just figured out that so many of my brothers in arms are also considered the 'cream of the crop'. We're all the best, all the finest. I – I don't feel so special anymore.

Irisviel: Oh, get a hold of yourself. Being the best at something isn't all there is. You and your friends can celebrate each others'... um... awesomeness! You're the Knights of the Round Table! Divided you fall, but united you stand!

Percival: Isn't that the name of a song?

Irisviel: Yes. Yes, it is.

Percival: Well, I guess I feel a little better.

Irisviel: You should. The Knights of the Round Table are the best Heroic Spirits there are.

Percival: But what about Gilgamesh?

Irisviel: What? What about him?

Percival: Isn't he, like, the most powerful Heroic Spirit ever?

Irisviel: Oh, pish tush. Being powerful doesn't make him the best. Where's his sense of honor and chivalry, for one thing. I like you much better than that golden snake.

Percival: All right. Thanks.

Irisviel: Any time. Any time. All right, he's gone. Now I can finally eat that bag of gummy worms I've been saving... oh, mm, I've been needing this.

 **If anyone's wondering, the song is United We Stand, Divided We Fall by Two Steps From Hell.**


	30. Rin, Sakura, Illya, and Luvia

**Requested by: Animan10**

 **Current Client: Rin, Sakura, and Illya Part III, Ft. Luvia**

Irisviel: Oh, hello, girls! I see you've brought a friend!

Rin: She is NOT a friend.

Irisviel: Oh, don't be like that. What can I do for – oh! Wh-what's all this?

Sakura: Scrapbooks!

Irisviel: Oh, um – may I?

Sakura: Sure.

Irisviel: Let's see – AAAH!

Illya: What's the matter?

Irisviel: This – there – is there anything at all in these scrapbooks other than photos of Shirou?

Rin: Of course.

Luvia: Not really.

Sakura: No.

Irisviel: And whyyyy are you showing these to me?

Illya: Well, look. We've got blank pages.

Irisviel: And?

Illya: And we're out of photos.

Irisviel: So?

Rin: So we want more photos of Shirou, of course!

Irisviel: Oh. Of course.

Luvia: We figured you wouldn't mind.

Rin: We!? It was all your –

Irisviel: Girls, girls, don't you think this is a little extreme?

Sakura: What's wrong? Is it strange that we want keepsakes of the boy we love?

Irisviel: YOU COLLECTIVELY HAVE OVER FIVE HUNDRED PAGES OF PHOTOS OF THE BOY.

Rin: So?

Irisviel: SHIROU. THAT'S ALL I HEAR ABOUT FROM YOU THREE. And you Luvia. SHIROU, SHIROU, SHIROU. GET. A. LIFE.

Luvia: But, Mrs. von Einzbern, these scrapbooks are works of art. Well, mine is, at least. You wouldn't want to deprive the world of such perfection, now would you?

Irisviel: YES. YES, I WOULD.

Illya: You heard her. She's in one of her moods.

Luvia: Is your mother always like this?

Illya: No. Usually she gives us cookies.

Rin: May all your cookies burn.


	31. Illyasviel von Einzbern Part II

**To be honest, the only part of this request that I understood was 'Illya demands a mecha' so I'm just going with that. Apologies in advance.**

* * *

 **Requested by: aliesterus**

 **Current Client: Illyasviel von Einzbern Part II**

Irisviel: You'd think, after a while, she'd run out of things to complain about.

Illya: Mother!

Irisviel: Hello to you too. Goodness, I'd like to think I raised you to have better manners than that.

Illya: Hi. I want a mecha.

Irisviel:... What?

Illya: A mecha.

Irisviel: A _what_?

Illya: A mecha! You know, a big giant robot that you can stomp around in?

Irisviel: And why, pray tell, do you want a mecha, of all things?

Illya: It's fun stomping on things. Just like in the Holy Grail Grand Prix! Throwing your weight around always works!

Irisviel: Wait, the Holy Grail what!? All right, that's it. I don't mind you fighting in an extremely violent and hopeless battle such as the Holy Grail War. But I draw the line at racing!

Illya: But Mother –

Irisviel: And besides, isn't your Servant essentially a big giant man who stomps around? You've already got a living mecha, technically speaking, not to mention I've told you again and again it is NOT all right to destroy other people's property. When will you ever learn?

Illya: But the mecha might help me in the war!

Irisviel: I don't care! War or no war, it's time you learned a few lessons! The younger generation these days, honestly! Always demanding everything and expecting everything to be handed to them on silver platters. Anything from video games and sweetheart photos to magical barriers and mechas! What next!?

Illya: The mecha... calls me...

Irisviel: Nothing doing, sweetie. I think you've got enough things to doo, what with that huge castle of yours. I'm sure you'll find something else to entertain yourself with. Now be a good girl and go play and let Mommy work.

Illya: I'll get a mecha one way or another! You won't stop me!

Irisviel: You watch too much anime.


	32. Sieg

**Irisviel seems to be getting quite OOC lately... but seriously, anyone would get snarky and cranky if they had had to deal with a fraction of all the nonsense she's been faced with.**

* * *

 **Requested by: Manu259**

 **Current Client: Sieg**

Irisviel: Well, what do you know. Another homunculus. Ah, well, he seems moderately self-controlled, so maybe I won't have to hit the coffee pot again. If I get any more caffeine in my bloodstream I'll blow my ears off.

Sieg: He-hello?

Irisviel: Hello, please come in. I don't bite. At least, not usually.

Sieg: Um, this is where you register complaints, right?

Irisviel: Yes, it is.

Sieg: Well, I wanted to say that – well, people don't seem to like me. I mean, nobody does. Everyone hates me, and I don't know why.

Irisviel: Oh, dear boy, I don't hate you.

Sieg: Are you – crying?

Irisviel: *sniff* I can't help it. It's so sad...

Sieg: Um, sorry?

Irisviel: No, don't be. I'm all right. I have gummy worms.

Sieg: Gummy worms...?

Irisviel: Yes. Anyway, er, why do you think people don't like you? Pardon my bluntness; it's been a really, _really_ long day.

Sieg: I don't know. Maybe they think I'm not heroic enough.

Irisviel: Well, you don't have to be a hero, you know.

Sieg: I know, but –

Irisviel: Look. Is there anyone, ANYONE, at all who doesn't hate you? Anyone?

Sieg: Well... there's this girl...

Irisviel: Oh, wonderful! You've got a girl! Does she like you?

Sieg: I think so. I like her.

Irisviel: Then I'd say focus on your relationship with her. If you two love each other, you don't need the rest of the hard, cruel, hating world.

Sieg: Er, you seem to be assuming certain things –

Irisviel: If you need any advice on courtship, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Sieg: I think I lost her...


	33. Karna

**The request this time was for one of my previously-written complaints (which I've only had to fall back on once), so I chose one of my favorite Fate characters ever. :)**

* * *

 **Requested by: GordyGordiant**

 **Current Client: Karna**

Irisviel: Well, that's something different.

Karna: Is there an armorsmith who specializes in hardened sunlight in the neighborhood?

Irisviel: Not... that I'm aware of.

Karna: Darn it.

Irisviel: Forgive me, but is that your skin or a bodysuit?

Karna: Hmm? Oh, it's a bodysuit.

Irisviel: Thank goodness. I assume these gold things all over you are made of hardened sunlight?

Karna: You assume correctly.

Irisviel: Well. Hmm. It's... your armor?

Karna: Yes.

Irisviel: Um, I don't mean any offense, but it looks kind of... not good. I mean, it doesn't really... cover your vital areas that much... oh, what am I pussyfooting for. You've got more armor on your thighs that you've got on your entire torso. That's just weird, I'm sorry.

Karna: It still works. But it's super-duper frickin' uncomfortable. That's why I'd like it redesigned.

Irisviel: Good for you.

Karna: Sitting down is a literal and physical pain.

Irisviel: I would imagine so... I've had several people come in here looking like they got their outfits in hell. You've got it good compared to some of them. At least it still protects you (though I have no idea how).

Karna: That... wasn't very helpful.

Irisviel: Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Karna: No, no, it's all right. You're the first normal person I've talked to since I was summoned.

Irisviel: Um, thanks. Yeah. You – you're not so bad yourself.

Karna: Thank you.

Irisviel: And now things have officially gotten awkward.


	34. Shirou Kotomine Part II

**Requested by: Midnight49**

 **Current Client: Shirou Kotomine Part II**

Irisviel: I don't even know who's who anymore. Whadya want?

Shirou: I don't _want_ anything. Some stupid redheaded kid made me come back here.

Irisviel: What for?

Shirou: He said my hair was weird. But, more importantly, he wanted you to figure out why there were suddenly two Archers.

Irisviel: I don't understand.

Shirou: I don't either. I mean, there were always two Archers.

Irisviel: There were? Oh, wait, you mean Gilgamesh.

Shirou: No, I don't.

Irisviel: Um, yeah... sure.

Shirou: Look, everyone seems to think I'm the same person as this 'EMIYA' Servant. I'm not, all right?

Irisviel: So that means you're not my son, then. Shirou Emiya.

Shirou: I just said I wasn't –

Irisviel: I'll just take that as a yes. Did you say your surname was Kotomine?

Shirou: Twenty-eight chapters ago, yes.

Irisviel: So you're, what, Kirei's little brother?

Shirou: I'm his older brother. And I'm adopted. Pretty sure I told you that, too.

Irisviel: But you're a teenager.

Shirou: I have age inertia.

Irisviel:...

Shirou: That means I get older but don't age.

Irisviel: Oh. Uh, what were we talking about again?

Shirou: I'm not your kid, and I'm not Archer or EMIYA or whatever he calls himself.

Irisviel: Uh-huh...

Shirou: You don't believe me.

Irisviel: At least have the courtesy to use a question mark.

Shirou: You won't believe me until you see all of us together, right?

Irisviel: Yeah, that's about right.

Shirou: Thought so.

Irisviel: I've got a feeling that will happen soon.

 **In five chapters, to be precise.**


	35. Gilgamesh

**Please submit your requests as reviews, not PMs. PMs are easily lost or overlooked and I might accidentally skip you.**

* * *

 **Requested by: The Last Order**

 **Current Client: Gilgamesh**

Irisviel: Oh, great. Not you again.

Gilgamesh: Is this how you tend to greet me, mongrel.

Irisviel: Whoops, _pardon_ _me_.

Gilgamesh: Pfft. Mongrels, all of you.

Irisviel: Are... you still talking to me?

Gilgamesh: Yes! It has reached my ears that you are receiving complaints, so I have deigned to grace you with my presence. Fall on your face and show your gratitude, meat doll!

Irisviel: Um, no. There'll be no face-falling here. Just tell me what you want. Not that you're the type to take advice, anyway.

Gilgamesh: Very well. I – wait! Why am I doing what _you_ say!?

Irisviel: Well, this _is_ an advice booth. Office. Thing.

Gilgamesh: I suppose I'll HAVE to comply, if I want you to shut up anytime soon.

Irisviel: Thank you. I think. I hope.

Gilgamesh: There is something I simply cannot understand.

Irisviel: You and me both, bro.

Gilgamesh: Why is it that I am always ultimately defeated – no, not just defeated, but KILLED – by the lowliest of mongrels who are not fit to lick my shadow? By rights, they should have been incinerated by my glory alone!

Irisviel: Mongrels such as... ?

Gilgamesh: That faker, the little faker, the –

Irisviel: Big faker?

Gilgamesh:...

Irisviel: I don't think the swirling golden portals with the pointy things sticking out of them are a good sign... forget I asked. As for your, um, untimely deaths, I think your main problem is that you just underestimate them too often...

Gilgamesh: YOU DARE TO IMPLY THAT I HAVE MADE FAULTS IN MY JUDGMENT!? I AM DIVINE! I HAVE UNCLOUDED SIGHT AND PERCEPTION!

Irisviel: A-and yet, y-you keep dying...

Gilgamesh: ENUMA ELISH!


	36. King Hassan

**Apparently Irisviel is indestructible.**

* * *

 **Requested by: The Last Order**

 **Current Client: King Hassan**

Irisviel: Note to self: install underground bunker for protection against anti-world Noble Phantasms. Now, to get the rest of this place cleaned up...

Hassan: Speak.

Irisviel: Well, Illya, I see you've gone against your mother's wishes and gotten a mecha. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: if I say no to mechas, then it's no mecha. You realize this means the end of your allowance.

Hassan: What dost thou mean?

Irisviel: Oh, don't play innocent with me. Either that's a mecha, or you're hoping that I've forgotten Halloween is still several months away. Don't go looking to get any free candy out of me. You try this every year, you know, and I'm not as foolish as you think.

Hassan: Dost thou believe my true name to be Illya? Such insolence. Now, hand over thy head.

Irisviel: I'm not warning you again, Illya! Knock it off!

Hassan: I AM NOT –

Irisviel: Oh, wait a minute, you're a client, aren't you? I beg your pardon, I'm not feeling very well right now...

Hassan:...

Irisviel: Well, don't just stand there. Please, tell me what you want.

Hassan: Dost thou seek to diminish mine authority here? Such utter disrespect. I command thee: hand over thy head.

Irisviel: Well, I suppose I don't need to try and get myself killed again... please forgive me. I did not intend any disrespect. I mistook you for my daughter. Please show mercy. I would really very much rather keep my head.

Hassan: Thou appearest to be truly repentent. I shall be lenient, just this once.

Irisviel: Thank God for small mercies. Now, how may I help th- you?

Hassan: Mine children hath failed me. I hath watched them fall, each and every one of them. There is nothing left to the Hashashin.

Irisviel: Aw, I'm sorry. Would a cookie make you feel better?

Hassan: What?

Irisviel: Never mind.

Hassan: I feel, perhaps, that the time is ripe for a new Hashashin to rise.

Irisviel: Well, why not?

Hassan: Is thou questioning me?

Irisviel: No, no, not at all. Just agreeing with you. Please, go on.

Hassan: I desire to ask thee where I might find new children to follow mine path.

Irisviel: Hmm, well, I can't say I do. But there's a lot of strange characters walking around lately. You might try asking them.

Hassan: I see. I believe that shall be sufficient.

Irisviel: I'm glad I could help, then. Good luck with your Hashashin thing.

Hassan: Farewell, homunculus.

Irisviel: And to you.

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: Why can't I ever meet anyone normal?

 **When you mistake a giant, skull-masked man for your nine-year-old daughter, you know you're screwed.**


	37. Jeanne Alter

**It's been a while, hasn't it? Despite my slowness to update, I have not given up on this story. I've lost interest at the moment, but I will still update when I feel like it. It ought to take me a few years to get through all these requests...**

* * *

 **Requested by: The Last Order**

 **Current Client: Jeanne Alter**

Irisviel: Uh, nice... outfit change. Black suits you.

Jeanne: Outfit change? What the flip are you talking about?

Irisviel: *sigh* It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

Jeanne: Whatever. I've got beef.

Irisviel: *cough*

Jeanne: What?

Irisviel: Nothing.

Jeanne: Everyone thinks I'm this raging tsundere. Like, I'm nasty to everyone I like because that's what tsunderes do, apparently.

Irisviel: Do you?

Jeanne: Do I what?

Irisviel: Be nasty to everyone you like?

Jeanne: I don't like anyone.

Irisviel: Oh.

Jeanne: It's like they think I'm this cranky goth girl with a heart of gold or some crap like that. Well, there ain't no heart of gold. There ain't nothing but crank.

Irisviel: *cough*

Jeanne: Why do you keep coughing?

Irisviel: No reason. What do you suppose is giving people that impression?

Jeanne: I think it's Santa Lily's fault. She's like this tiny grumpy Christmas version of me. She ain't nothing but a spoiled brat, but everyone thinks she's adorable.

Irisviel: Tiny grumpy Christmas version...? This job is getting weirder and weirder.

Jeanne: So what the heck are you going to do about it!? I need answers here!?

Irisviel: I honestly don't know where people are getting this from. Maybe you really should start being nice.

Jeanne: WHAT!?

Irisviel: And here comes the part where I die. Again.


	38. Ritsuka Fujimaru

**I have no excuse for my absense. 'I didn't feel like it' doesn't quite cut it. Let me just say, hello again and it's back to business!**

 **I am afraid I must lay down a couple of limits. First: the Fate franchise is so flippin' huge and most of what I know is the result of hours and hours of painful research, and since I am doing this for fun, after all, and would rather not suffer a mental breakdown, I can't accept suggestions of just _anything_. Nothing from the Miyuverse, please. Is that what it's called? I don't even know. I know absolutely nothing about it and I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. Also the Kaleid-thing. I tried looking it up once and spent the rest of the day a gibbering wreck.**

 **Second: I'm not naming names, here, just giving a general reminder. I'm sure we are all aware of how Fate can get a little... risque. Please keep your requests rated G! I'm looking to provide clean, quality humor that everyone and anyone can enjoy.**

 **Without further ado,**

 **Irisviel has reopened the Complaint Receiving Center.**

* * *

 **Requested by: The Last Order**

 **Current Client: Ritsuka Fujimaru**

Irisviel: Am I seeing things, or have my son and the Tohsaka girl... turned into my _daughter_ and the Tohsaka _boy_?

Gudako: Hello!

Gudao: Why is she crying?

Irisviel: You look so normal... I love you...

Gudako: See? She's nice! I told you this was a good idea!

Gudao: That remains to be seen...

Irisviel: Ahem. Let me get myself in order. All right, then. How may I help you?

Gudako: We're having Servant problems.

Irisviel: What is it? You wish you had different Servants? You're out of Command Seals? Your Servants are dating?

Gudako: Well, Merlin actually –

Gudao: Gudako, we had an agreement.

Gudako: Oh, right. Sorry. No, our Servants are relatively well-behaved – I mean, we ourselves get along with them fairly well – but they're always fighting each other, and it's hard to keep track of so many anyway.

Irisviel: So many? You've only got two between the two of you, right? Oh, wait, if you've been stealing other people's Servants, you could have a total of seven and that IS a lot...

Gudao: You tell her.

Gudako: You're the one with five thousand Cú Chulainn's.

Gudao: I've only got... one, two... Prototype's his own dude... four...

Gudako: We have pretty much every Servant in existance.

Irisviel:...

Gudao: I said four, right? Ma'am?

Irisviel: ...How many is that, exactly?

Gudao: Do you want me to count on my fingers again? There's just a lot. I mean a lot. Please. We just want to know how we can keep them in line, or maybe if we could reduce the numbers a bit.

Irisviel: Well – *cough* – if you summoned them in the first place, I don't see how you're in a position to request reduced numbers. You should have thought all that through before you decided to summon 'lots and lots' of Servants. As for keeping them in line, I suppose you can recruit some of them to help you out with that. Don't you have any reasonable, responsible Servants who can help look after the others?

Gudako: Well, Merlin seems to think that's his job –

Gudao: AHEM.

Gudako: Sorry.

Irisviel: Is Merlin some sort of a sore point with you two?

Gudao: It's a bit of a long story.

Gudako: I know! Arturia!

Gudao: Which one?

Gudako: The original, of course. I don't need to explain about the Alters; I'd rather leave Archer to her watermelons, and I wouldn't trust the Mysterious Heroines with a crowbar and a jar of applesauce.

Gudao: Why would you leave them in possession of a crowbar and a jar of applesauce?

Gudako: Mmm... remember this morning when Caster Gil seemed to be a really bad mood and he wouldn't tell you why?

Gudao: I'm going to regret asking, aren't I.

Gudako: Well, you see – oh, never mind. It involves Merlin and we aren't supposed to talk about him.

Gudao: No, no. This is important. Who had a crowbar and a jar of applesauce?

Irisviel: Apparently I do not exist anymore.


	39. Shirou: The Showdown

**Despite my ranting from the last chapter, I am desperately trying to pinpoint the difference between the Miyuverse and the Kaleidverse. And as far as I can tell, the Miyuverse is an alternate universe to the Kaleidverse, which is in turn an alternate universe to the regular Fateverse. This is one of those times when I hate TYPE-MOON. Also, despite the same rant, I am including Miyuverse and Kaleidverse Shirous in this chapter, because the more Shirous the merrier!**

* * *

 **Requested by:** **DigiXBot**

 **Current Client: Shirou: The Showdown**

Irisviel: I CANNOT believe the footage coming in over my security cameras right now. It's like the Attack of the Clones. Time to test that secret underground bunker. Goodbye, world.

*door explodes under the impact of multiple Unlimited Blade Works*

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: Or not.

Shirou Emiya: MOM! You have to help me out! I have... clones!

Irisviel: Mother's noticed, dear.

EMIYA: It's time we got all this nonsense sorted out once and for all. Right, assorted Shirous and Emiyas, let's lay it down nice and simple.

Shirou Kotomine: Why do I have to do this again?

Irisviel: Sh-should I be taking notes?

EMIYA: Hey, Hero of Justice, you're up first.

Shirou Emiya: Ah, but you already know –

EMIYA: *cracks knuckles*

Shirou Emiya: I'm the original Shirou Emiya, the Master of Saber in the Fifth Holy Grail War; I'm seventeen years old, Kiritsugu is my adopted dad, I go to Homurahara Academy with Rin Tohsaka and Sakura Matou, my adopted sis-

Shirou Kotomine: Oh my Grail, somebody shut him up.

Angra Mainyu: How 'bout I kill him?

EMIYA: Attractive as that prospect is, that's not the proper solution to our problems.

Angra Mainyu: How 'bout... I help _you_ kill him?

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: No one is killing anyone else!

Irisviel: I know all that already. I'm his mother, you know. Yes, you really do know. I'm rather peeved to find he went and got tattoos though... *looks at Angra Mainyu*

EMIYA: You've seen me before. I'm the cool, handsome, powerful version of Shirou, his adult self from an alternate universe. Or timeline. One of those.

Irisviel: And the complaining one. Got it. Let me take a snapshot of you. *camera flashes*

EMIYA: *shies back* What are you doing, witch!?

Irisviel: Oh, camera-shy, are we? It's for the memories – I mean for reference.

EMIYA: If you are thinking of giving it to that harem –

Shirou Emiya: Come on, guys, you promised you'd stop calling them that!

Shirou Kotomine: I don't even know what you're talking about.

Irisviel: Ah, next, please?

Kaleidverse Shirou Emiya: I'm almost the same as your son, just cuter and more clueless and more unfortunate.

Irisviel: That's possible?

EMIYA: You forgot dumber.

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: You think everyone's dumb.

EMIYA: Well, compared to me, yeah.

Shirou Kotomine: I see you conveniently chose to ignore me sitting pretty on six Servants over here. I don't see anyone else with that sort of accomplishments to their name.

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: Excuse me? You lost the war.

Shirou Emiya: Doesn't everyone? I mean, it always ends with everything blowing up and whatnot...

EMIYA: What do you know!?

Irisviel: NEXT!

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: So, I'm like Kaleid over here, but actually cool. I mean, I actually DO stuff.

Kaleidverse Shirou Emiya: Hey! I'm cool!

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: You don't even know what magic is! And I'm actually cool around the girls!

Kaleidverse Shirou: It's hard being the only guy in the house, okay! I try! And I just have a lot of accidents around the girls! I just want everyone to be happy!

Shirou Emiya: Oh, no, dude, I tried that. You better not.

Kaleidverse Shirou Emiya: And anyway, didn't you get yourself captured!? How lame is that!?

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: It's a Holy Grail War! Bad stuff happens!

Angra Mainyu: I'm the bad stuff.

Irisviel: Yes, these photos are definitely not for the memories. Mr. Age Inertia, you're up.

Shirou Kotomine: Don't – oh, never mind. Let's just get this over with. My full name is Shirou Tokisada Amakusa. I later got the surname Kotomine when Risei Kotomine adopted me. I am of NO RELATION to all these idiots. I just happen to have the same name.

EMIYA: And the same color scheme.

Shirou Kotomine: Ye-es. That. Hmm. I just have dark skin from spending many years in the Middle East –

Shirou Emiya and EMIYA: So did I.

Everyone:...

Shirou Emiya: Well, at some point, after the war... I'll just be quiet now.

Shirou Kotomine: ANYWAY, is all that clear?

Irisviel: Yes, more or less...

Angra Mainyu: And I am the physical manifestation of All the World's Evil.

Irisviel: Not you! You possessed me and made me freak my hubby out!

Angra Mainyu: Well, gee, you were my vessel, but you'd gone and gotten yourself killed, so I had to get somebody to claim the Grail somehow.

Shirou Kotomine: Yeah. My brother did.

Irisviel: And boooy, do I have a bone to pick with you. But that can wait till later, when we're alone. It's not proper for others to hear a lady raise her voice.

EMIYA: Then don't.

Irisviel: *snaps a photo of EMIYA*

EMIYA: Aaargh!

Angra Mainyu: Hellooo? Back to me?

Irisviel: Yes, you haven't explained why you look like my son turned yakuza.

Angra Mainyu: I'm just borrowing his form. It's easy to work from. And that, incidentally, makes me part of the Shirou pack.

Shirou Emiya: Shirou pack – !?

Irisviel: So, I think I have it straight now. Shirou Emiya is the only normal one –

Shirou Kotomine: *scoffs*

Irisviel: EMIYA is his evil adult counterpart –

EMIYA: Hey! I'm not evil! Just because I'm not a starry-eyed idealist like –

Angra Mainyu: Ah, they grow up so fast.

Irisviel: Kaleidverse Shirou actually lives with his sister –

Kaleidverse Shirou Emiya: Oh, somebody appreciates me.

Irisviel: Miyuverse Shirou is like Kaleidverse Shirou, just with a different sister –

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: And _she_ doesn't go off about mechas all the time.

Kaleidverse Shirou Emiya: Excuse me? My little sister's _perfect_.

Irisviel: Yes, we are all aware of the marvelous job I did raising her. Shirou Kotomine is a Shirou in name only; like, literally in name only –

EMIYA: And in color scheme!

Shirou Kotomine: I hate you.

Irisviel: And Angry Mana –

All the Shirous: ANGRA MAINYU.

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: Yes. Thank you. ANGRA MAINYU is my son's evil twin.

Angra Mainyu: *smiles*

Angra Mainyu: *still smiling* I'm going to kill her.

Irisviel: Well, thank you, boys, for taking the time off to explain all this to me. Everything is starting to make sense at last. Now, if you will excuse me, I would like to study my notes a while. Though won't you join me for a cup of coffee before you leave?

Kaleidverse Shirou Emiya: Illya won't let me drink coffee.

Miyuverse Shirou Emiya: *snorts*

Shirou Kotomine: Hey, wait, if this was supposed to be a meeting of all the Shirous and Emiyas, how come the Kiritsugus didn't come? They're Emiyas.

Irisviel: *spits out coffee* The _Kiritsugus_!?

EMIYA: Oh, you haven't heard? He's a Servant now.

Irisviel: But – but –

Angra Mainyu: And guess who else is here?

Angra Mainyu: *whispers* Dark Iri.

Irisviel: *faints*


	40. Angra Mainyu

**Looks like I forgot EMIYA Alter and Muramasa for the Shirou showdown. *grumbles* Every time you think you've got them all, there's always another Shirou...**

 **And yeah, I probably got something wrong concerning Angra Mainyu. Sue me; the dude's confusing.**

* * *

 **Requested by: M** **idnight49**

 **Current Client: Angra Mainyu**

Angra Mainyu: Well, hello agai-

Irisviel: OUT.

Angra Mainyu: Now, now, don't be li-

Irisviel: OUT.

Angra Mainyu: Won't you le-

Irisviel: I. SAID. OUT.

Angra Mainyu: Just hear me out, will you?

Irisviel: Fine. But whether or not I'll actually help you remains to be seen.

Angra Mainyu: You've developed quite an attitude since I last possessed you, haven't you?

Irisviel: Wait, what do you mean by 'last'?

Angra Mainyu: I feel that by taking on Emiya's form –

Irisviel: Which Emiya are we talking about here?

Angra Mainyu: The one I told to kill a million people.

Irisviel: Oh.

Irisviel: Oh! You're... Grail-kun?

Angra Mainyu: At this point, I kinda sorta am the Holy Grail, but like, bad. But still it. Well, I'm in it. And I was in you.

Irisviel: In more ways than one, yes. Your vessel and your host.

Angra Mainyu: It's the host thing, see.

Irisviel: Oh, come to apologize finally?

Angra Mainyu: Hardly. I have no regrets in this world or beyond it. I just find Emiya's influence to be a little... stifling when I am in his form.

Irisviel: I know what you mean. I love him dearly, but it honestly can get a little hard to breathe when he's in the same room.

Angra Mainyu: Try possessing him sometime.

Irisviel: Nooo... thank you.

Angra Mainyu: Every time I take on his form, I can feel my IQ dropping...

Irisviel: Honestly, why does everyone so firmly hold to the belief that Shirou's dumb? Just because he's normal.

Angra Mainyu: I'm thinking of adopting someone else's form. Any suggestions?

Irisviel: Why don't you try coming up with your own design like a normal Servant?

Angra Mainyu: Right. Normal Servant, at your service.

Irisviel: Oh, shoo.

Angra Mainyu: How about your dear husband's form?

Irisviel: Can you please stop terrorizing my family?

Angra Mainyu: Oh, yes, the King of Daemons, the source of All the World's Evils who bears the six billion curses of the world, is terrorizing. How despicable. How utterly shocking. I have polluted and dominated the Holy Grail system. The Greater Grail itself is my consciousness; I am the Holy Grail. But, whoops, I'm terrorizing someone. _Pardon me_.

Irisviel: You don't have to be a jerk about it.

Angra Mainyu: On second thought, I think I'll just stick with your beloved son's form. You are a very terrorize-able family, you realize?

Irisviel: Every day of my life.


	41. Jack the Ripper

**Requested by:** **Guest**

 **Current Client: Jack the Ripper**

Irisviel: I don't want to panic, but it looks like a ragged black cupcake just walked into my office.

Jack: Mommy!

Irisviel: I don't think I'm your mommy, sweetheart.

Jack: *starts crying* We just want our mommy...

Irisviel: *also crying* I'm sure we can find her... *blows nose* Wait, 'we'?

Jack: That mean neko-lady killed her!

Irisviel: *mopping tears off her desk* W-what? Neko-lady? Oh, surely not _her_. No one with such cute ears could be so cruel.

Jack: Cute... ears? Do we have cute ears?

Irisviel: I... guess?

Jack: But we want Mommy back! Can you get her for us?

Irisviel: I'm so, so sorry, but I can't bring people to life. I used to have Avalon somewhere, but even that isn't quite what we need.

Jack: But – but –

Jack: But we need Mommy! She's nice to us! She sings us lullabies and gives us pretty dresses and brings tasty hearts for us! She loves us!

Irisviel: Wait, what was that last one?

Jack: She loves us?

Irisviel: No, no, before that.

Jack: All we want is a mommy... we haunt the streets and no one sees us... we are fog and mist and deep, deep, underground, and Mommy won't take us back, so we cut her open and scream when she screams and then we try and go back to where it was warm and safe, but she still won't take us and she's turning cold, so we go and find Mommy somewhere else... somewhere... we're coming, Mommy...

Irisviel: And I am officially freaked out.

Jack: But you're here... will you be our Mommy?

Irisviel: *shrieks*

Irisviel: Sorry, I'm a little on edge. I don't think I can be your mommy. I probably won't last much longer, you see, and I already have children and I don't think they'd get along well with you. My husband would like you, though.

Jack: Husband... Daddy!?

Irisviel: Dang it, I shouldn't have mentioned him. No, no Daddy. I'm sure your mommy is someplace around here. People do not die when they are killed, apparently, and I have no doubts she is walking around here looking for you. Just keep looking!

Jack: Then... then we will keep looking for Mommy, and then we'll be happy again!

Irisviel: Yes! That's the spirit!

Jack: We like you! We have a present for you!

Irisviel: You do? Aww, how sweet.

Irisviel: This – this is a heart.

Jack: Mm-hmm! Fresh!

Irisviel: *sucks in huge breath to prepare for an ear-shattering scream*

Gilgamesh: *peers into the office* Oh, are we ripping out hearts today?


	42. Saberfaces

**Good gravy, it's getting hard to find where I left off in the reviews. The page number changes every day. But to address particular requests:**

 **Giuseppe: I'm sorry, but I must skip your request. I know too little about the Miyuverse; maybe I would have been able to pull it off, but the card installs go miles over my head. What you read in the Shirou: The Showdown chapter is pretty much the entire extent of my Miyuverse knowledge.**

 **HanKanoya: Welp, I did. I think there's several reviews floating around requesting that exact thing. All their prayers have been answered, now, so onward!**

 **And finally, there are over two dozen Saberfaces in total, so I'm going to pick and choose the more well-known ones, because with that many characters to juggle not much of any value is going to get written. I'll just be trying to give everyone a part. (I'm still cracking up over the fact that there's actually a Saberface page on the TYPE-MOON wiki.)**

* * *

 **Requested by: BananaMoe21**

 **Current Client: Saberfaces**

Irisviel: Ah! Saber! So good to see you again!

Arturia: Likewise, Irisviel. I have another problem which it seems you must address.

Arturia: *beckons at the doorway*

Irisviel: Ohhh, myyy, I think I need a vacation.

Arturia: As you can see, I have a problem with multiple versions. I believe the populace refers to us as a whole as 'Saberfaces', which is quite ridiculous, as I am hardly the only Saber-class Servant to be summoned over the course of the Holy Grail wars. Indeed, even Servants who are completely unaffiliated with me are now being classified as 'Saberfaces'. I assure you, we are all quite distinct and unique from one another.

Irisviel: Well, I'm sure you all look completely different to one another, but to an outsider you do look rather similar.

Arturia: I suppose I cannot fault you for that. Come, fellow Sabers. We must seek to educate if we desire reform.

Saber Alter: And I cancelled an afternoon of binging on junk food for this. I'm Arturia Alter, and I'm here to tell you that Alters are the new cool.

Red Saber: Ah, no, you're here because little King Pendragon asked you to.

Saber Alter: Be silent, sybarite!

Red Saber: That's Flower of Olympia to you, warmonger.

Red Saber: *whispering* Hey, Sakura, what's sybarite mean?

Saber Lily: I'm Saber Lily. I am Arturia in her childhood, before I became king.

Irisviel: Oh... you're so cute. I – I hope you don't mind.

Saber Lily: *shakes head* Oh no. I understand you are the wife of Nee-san's Master. I'm happy to finally meet you!

Irisviel: Ah, which one's Nee-san?

Arturia: All of us. She is like a little sister to the rest of us.

Red Saber: Maybe for you English peasants, but I am the jewel of Rome! Nero has no sisters! Nero needs no sisters!

Irisviel: Nero? What are you talking about?

Jeanne d'Arc: Arturia told you not all of us are incarnations of her. Red here dragged me along when she heard the 'Saberfaces' were going to see you. I'm sorry for the disturbance.

Irisviel: But you don't look hardly anything like Arturia.

Jeanne d'Arc: Try saying that to Gilles.

Irisviel: Oh, right. _Him_.

Red Saber: Stop ignoring me! You're not allowed to ignore me! To the Colosseum!

Sakura Saber: Oo, are we going to see a show?

Red Saber: You _are_ the show! You shall fight and bleed and breathe your last on the sands of the Colosseum for my pleasure!

Irisviel: Um... did she just make us all gladiators?

Arturia: That would be the fifth time today.

Mysterious Heroine X: She's always doing this. She's an emperor wherever she goes. But I'm Mysterious Heroine X, and I'm the hero to rid the world of the Saberfaces!

Jeanne d'Arc: Wait, what?

Mysterious Heroine X: Mm-hmm! I'm going to be the greatest heroine this world has seen! With Secret-Calibur in my hand, I'll take on the toughest of the Arturia species! Come on! Give me your best shot! Hashtag Ahoge Warrior!

Irisviel: She did not just call herself Ahoge Warrior.

Mysterious Heroine X: You better look out, Saberfaces! I'm in full carnage mode and I don't take prisoners! I've got murder on the mind! Also, roast beef! Speaking of which, does anyone have any snacks?

Sakura Saber: I... have an onigiri...

Mysterious Heroine X: *grabs the onigiri and stuffs it in her mouth, speaking around it* Anyway, anybuvy wanna gumamee fusht?

Jeanne d'Arc: We can't understand you...

Saber Alter: Truly despicable. Does she think she can defeat me?

Red Saber: Or _me_!?

Saber Lily: Or me! No, wait, she probably could beat me.

Irisviel: This is worse than all the Shirous.

Sakura Saber: Ah, I'm not Arturia either, just so you know. I'm Sakura Saber, true name Okita Souji, First Unit Captain of the Shinsengumi. I couldn't bring my haori, though.

Irisviel: Mm, I'm no expert on Japanese history, but I'm pretty sure Okita Souji was a man.

All the Arturias: AHEM.

Irisviel: I feel like such an idiot right now.

Irisviel: Ah, who's your friend in the back?

Red Saber: Why are you looking at someone not me?

Mysterious Heroine X: Huh? Oh, her? Ah, I don't know. She just kinda popped up. Guess I'll have to exterminate her too.

Irisviel: Excuse me! Care to introduce yourself?

Violet: *bows* Greetings. I am a representative of the CH Postal Company. I will run as fast as I can to wherever my customer desires. I am the Auto Memories Doll, Violet Evergarden.

Irisviel: Ah... good for you. Are – are you a Saber?

Violet: I do not understand what you mean. I have been told I am a tool or a dog of the Major's, but never a saber. I have fought with a gun, but never a sword.

Saber Lily: A gun? Is she an Archer, then?

Mysterious Heroine X: Ah, shoot. If she's an Archer, then she's not a Saberface and I can't kill her.

Saber Alter: It hardly matters. She does not belong here. She should be purged regardless.

Sakura Saber: But look at her! She has to be a Saberface!

Violet: Saber... face? Does my face resemble a blade?

Irisviel: This is both adorable and disturbing...

Jeanne d'Arc: I do not sense a Servant's aura eminating from her. I don't – I don't think she is a Servant.

Violet: I am an employee. That makes me a servant of sorts.

Saber Lily: Aww! Can we keep her?

Irisviel: AAH! Something's biting my leg!

Irisviel: *looks down and sees Saber Lion chewing on her leg* What the –

Arturia: Oh, no.

Sakura Saber: *snaps fingers* Here, girl!

Saber Lion: *bounds over to her* Gau!

Irisviel: Holy Grail. Holy frickin' Grail.

Jeanne d'Arc: Right, forgot to mention her...

Red Saber: Hoi! Swordswoman! Release the lion. Such a noble beast is for none but I to embrace. For I am –

Mysterious Heroine X: Yeah, the Flower of Olympia, Lion of Rome, yadda yadda yoo. Listen, am I gonna have to kill this Violet Gardenface or what?

Saber Alter: *starts poking around the office* Is there nothing to eat in this cubicle?

Irisviel: Hey, you can't –

Sakura Saber: Oh, swordswoman, is it? We're all friggin' Sabers here, Nero. Work on your comebacks.

Saber Lion: Gauwau! Gwaa!

Jeanne d'Arc: Careful with that thing! She's going to snap somebody's nose off!

Violet: Are my services not required?

Mysterious Heroine X: We don't even know what you do, lady! I need answers here, people!

Arturia: Why couldn't there have been just one of me?

Sakura Saber: *drops Saber Lion* Ouch! She scratched me!

Saber Lily: Aaah! Look out! She's on the loose!

Irisviel: NOOOO MY PAINSTAKINGLY SORTED SERVANT INDEXES!

Jeanne d'Arc: May I leave now? Sieg's waiting for me.

Irisviel: *tearing around the office trying to catch Saber Lion* Look, would one of you help me catch your jumpsuited clone before she wrecks my office any further!? Isn't there something you can use to pacify her!?

Arturia: We could feed her Lancer.

Irisviel: Feed her WHAT!?

Saber Alter: I'll eat him myself if I don't find something else to eat soon.

Red Saber: Ridiculous, anyone mistaking me for one of these northern barbarians. I shall be in my gardens. A banquet shall be held later, and you are all invited, provided you survive the Colosseum. Let it never be said that Nero is any less than a benevolent emperor!

Sakura Saber: How noble of you.

Saber Lily: Yay! A feast! You'll come, won't you, Mrs. Irisviel?

Irisviel: *struggling to hold Saber Lion* I've certainly been working up an appetite.

Saber Lily: And you too, Violet?

Violet: I would enjoy spending more time with you all, though I assure you I do not require such vast nourishment as a feast. I will check in with Mr. Hodgins if I may take the night off.

Arturia: Do what you desire. I have no wish to associate with that – that –

Irisviel: Faker?

Arturia: Do NOT liken me to that... Gilgamesh!

Irisviel: I wasn't –

Bedivere: *looks in through the doorway* Ah, Your Highness, Merlin sent me to inform you –

Mysterious Heroine X: THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!

 **Well, Bedi is technically a Saberface now. I have to say, as a Hakuouki fan, I'm rather ticked by the fact that Fate Souji is a girl.**


	43. Irisviel von Einzbern

**Requested by: Jubzy650**

 **Current Client: Irisviel von Einzbern (Caster)**

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: I am so disappointed in my non-reaction right now.

Caster: AHH! It's true! I am running a complaint-receiving service!

Irisviel: Listen to me; Iri to Iri, it's the biggest mistake of our lives. Don't ever do it. FLEE THE MADNESS.

Caster: But you're – I'm – helping so many people! I think it's wonderful!

Irisviel: *sobbing* I used to be so innocent...

Caster: So, you see, I have a complaint, but since I'm also running this service, can I get a discount?

Irisviel: Ah, I don't charge in the first place... Grail knows why...

Caster: Perfect! All right, right now I'm busy watching over my – our? – husband.

Irisviel: Still assassinating, is he?

Caster: Mm, yes. It's a very dangerous line of work, you know.

Irisviel: Yes, I know. I'm married to him.

Caster: So I am protecting him from afar, watching over him like a guardian angel... but I'm not an angel and I don't want to be. I just want to be his loving wife, but under the circumstances I don't know how close to him I can get. I feel as though I shouldn't show myself to him, but I'm getting so lonely.

Irisviel: Ah, wait, I just thought of something. Which Kiritsugu are we talking about?

Caster: Oh, there's more than one of him as well? Perfect! We each get one!

Irisviel: *gags*

Caster: As I am now a Heroic Spirit, so is he. We are both Servants.

Irisviel: Thank you. I have heard rumors of his becoming a Servant. *shudders* Anyway, go on.

Caster: Hmm? Oh, I think I've told you everything. I just want to know if it's all right for me to be with Kiritsugu without endangering him or the world.

Irisviel: You know, I've become convinced that absolutely everything anyone does has world-shaking consequences, so at this point I hardly think it matters who throws the world into jeopardy any longer. If it's not in jeopardy, it's going to be.

Caster: *tearing up* When did I become so cynical?

Irisviel: After interviewing forty-two hyperactive, suicidal, pyschopathic, and otherwise disturbed Masters, Servants, and demanding daughters. I don't even have time to make cookies any longer. I'll take being the Holy Grail's vessel any day over this, even at the risk of Angra Mainyu possessing me again.

Caster: Oh. My.

Irisviel: But to answer your question, I don't see why you can't be with Kiritsugu. Unless there's some reason why you would think he wants to be alone, you should be able to protect him just as well, if not better, by his side than from far off. Husbands and wives ought to stick together, after all.

Caster: Erm, yes, about that...

Irisviel: Now what?

Caster: I'm the Holy Grail... I think. I shouldn't be involving myself in the affairs of the world.

Irisviel: Screw the Holy Grail.

Caster: Uh, remember what happened the last time someone tried that?

Irisviel: If the Holy Grail didn't want to involve itself in the affairs of the world, then it wouldn't have taken on a living, breathing form. You've got a life to live, and if the Grail has a problem with that, then it should have stayed a cup.

Caster: Oh, you're right! You're so right! I can go and get Illya, too, and then we'll be one happy family again! Thank you for your help! Bye!

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: I can't shake the feeling that I just doomed the universe, blasé as that is.


	44. Darnic Prestone Yggdmillennia

**Merry Christmas, little people!**

 **Prepare for the rise of the Yggdmillennia Clan!**

* * *

 **Requested by: KnightSpark**

 **Current Client: Darnic Prestone Yggdmillennia**

Irisviel: Is he a vampire or something?

Darnic: You! Homunculus!

Irisviel: *sigh* Well, it's better than meat doll.

Darnic: You're not one of ours, are you? You don't have that blank staring face like the others. I believe you are actually intelligent for your kind.

Irisviel: The return of chivalry is long in coming, I see.

Darnic: Listen to me. I need you to beat some sense into my Servant.

Irisviel: And the reason you can't do it yourself is because... ?

Darnic: He will not listen to me, obviously. It is disgraceful for a Servant to refuse to use his Noble Phantasm, especially when his own Master desires it.

Irisviel: What is so distasteful about his Noble Phantasm?

Darnic: It turns him into a vampire.

Irisviel: Wait, you're not the vampire?

Darnic: Do I look like a vampire to you?

Irisviel: Well, yes, actually.

Darnic: ...

Irisviel: I've... been watching anime.

Darnic: Back to me...

Irisviel: Yes, you. How could I have forgotten Supreme Lord Vampire?

Darnic: My Servant, while technically not a vampire inherently, can turn into one with his Noble Phantasm, according to his legends. He is perfectly aware of that, but he dislikes his popular characterization and as such is impossible to work with.

Irisviel: Oh, yeah? And who is your Servant? Dracula?

Darnic: In a manner of speaking.

Irisviel: Oh.

Darnic: He is Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration of the Dracula legends. He is a legend, whether he likes it or not.

Irisviel: Now, now, Dracula may actually have been inspired by this dwarf-zombie-vampire thing from Irish mythology. We mustn't rule out that possibility.

Darnic: What does that have to do with anything? HE TURNS INTO A VAMPIRE. END. OF. STORY.

Irisviel: Well, for flip's sake, he's your Servant! He's got to do what you say!

Darnic: That's the point! He won't!

Irisviel: Use a Command Seal!

Darnic: I can't just use a Command Seal every frickin' time I want to use it! I'd run out in a week! I NEED SOLUTIONS HERE!

Irisviel: I'M JUST TELLING YOU HOW IT IS! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! GET RULER TO SMACK HIM IN LINE!

Darnic: SHE – WON'T!

Irisviel: Boy, people sure do hate you, don't they? Nobody'll do what you say.

Darnic. Fine. Fine! I'll figure it out on my own. I'll get the help of someone who'll ACTUALLY do as I say and Lancer is turning into a vampire! See if he doesn't!

Irisviel: I'm not stopping you! I never said you couldn't!

Darnic: Goodbye!

Irisviel: Bye! I don't care! Go pal it up with Dracula!

Irisviel: Oo, some days this job of mine...

 **I've always wanted to see Darnic get into a screaming match... I haven't watched Owari no Seraph, but I've seen pictures, and the vampires' uniforms look veeery similar to the Yggdmillenia Clan's uniforms. It doesn't help that Darnic is essentially a soul-sucking immortal.**


	45. Gordes Musik Yggdmillennia

**Requested by: KnightSpark**

 **Current Client: Gordes Musik Yggdmillennia**

Gordes: Hmph. Darnic was right. It really is a homunculus.

Irisviel: That sort of comment's getting distressingly common. Maybe I should put up a notice or something on my door.

Gordes: You are the complaint receiver, right?

Irisviel: Not for much longer, I'm afraid.

Gordes: Why? Are you resigning?

Irisviel: No. I'm going to die.

Gordes: Well, I'm glad I caught you before then.

Irisviel: Um, I just said I'm going to die. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Gordes: Of course not! You're just a homunculus!

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: My estimated remaining time on this earth has just significantly decreased.

Gordes: Are you going to help me or not!?

Irisviel: I'll help, I'll help. I am trying to be a good person.

Gordes: Good. My problem is homunculi.

Irisviel: Why me?

Gordes: They don't respect me at all. I wouldn't have thought it possible for such lowly creatures who don't even have any emotions to have such... attitude issues.

Irisviel: Just how many homunculi are you in contact with?

Gordes: Several hundred.

Irisviel: Good grief.

Gordes: They're just pawns, mere mana donors. They should know I and the rest of the Yggdmillenia are their supreme masters, that there is no room for disrespect. It's entirely unsuited to their place in life.

Irisviel: Erm, I think that's your problem right there...

Gordes: What!? You mean to suggest it is my fault!?

Irisviel: Yes, that's exactly what I'm suggesting. You can't demand respect. You have to earn it. Even if your homunculi don't have emotions, it's natural that they won't respect someone who treats them like livestock.

Gordes: But that's what they are!

Irisviel: You're not helping your case here.

Gordes: Don't they understand the only reason they are even alive is to provide mana for the Yggdmillenia masters? They have no purpose beyond that!

Irisviel: You WHAT!?

Gordes: What is it now?

Irisviel: You're just siphoning their mana like they're lab rats? You're sick!

Gordes: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Complete and utter disrespect.

Irisviel: Oh, you want respect? Then be respectable! Ugh, don't tell me that Darnic guy is on board with this!

Gordes: Actually, it's one of the few things we agree on.

Irisviel: Ick! Just what are you people doing anyway?

Gordes: That's not for you to know. You're just –

Irisviel: Just an expendable homunculus, I know.

Gordes: You're not even involved in the Holy Grail War anyway, so you have no right to know.

Irisviel: Oh, have I got a surprise for you, buddy.


	46. Celenike Icecolle Yggdmillennia

**Requested by: KnightSpark**

 **Current Client: Celenike Icecolle Yggdmillennia**

Irisviel: I hate her already.

Celenike: Oh my. What's this? That dress does not become you, homunculus. It's like a mongrel dog in velvet.

Gilgamesh: That's my line!

Irisviel: Get out of here! And would you people stop calling me 'homunculus'? I HAVE A NAME. It's posted over my door, for crying out loud!

Celenike: Who gives homunculi names?

Irisviel: If you've come to give me the same little spiel the other guy tried to pull on me, you can click your little high heels out that door again.

Celenike: Ugh, I hate the mouthy ones.

Irisviel: Try putting yours to better use.

Celenike: You're worse than my Servant, you know. Not that he is so disrespectful, but I was not expecting a knight of Charlemagne to be so utterly... oh, what's the word... _stupid_. And what's more, he knows perfectly well that he is stupid and he doesn't even bother to care. If only he would shut up once in a while and let me get my say in!

Irisviel: I feel your pain.

Celenike: *sigh* What am I to do with him?

Irisviel: Use a Command Seal and tell him to zip it.

Celenike: That's what that fool Gordes did with _his_ Servant. I am not so spendthrift with my Command Seals.

Irisviel: Then try the ol' reward system. Give him a treat when he's quiet and withold it when he's noisy.

Celenike: He may be on the same level as a dog, but that doesn't mean he is one.

Irisviel: Right... well, why don't you send him to me and I'll talk to him.

Celenike: He's been to you already. Don't you have any memory at all?

Irisviel: Ah, he didn't say who his Master was. What's his name?

Celenike: He is Astolfo, one of Charlemagne's twelve knights and the most annoying creature I have ever had the displeasure of working with.

Irisviel: Oh, gosh, no, he's hopeless. There's nothing anyone can do about his blabbermouth.

Celenike: To tell the truth, that's not what I am here for.

Irisviel: It's not? Then why didn't you say so earlier?

Celenike: I don't want to know how to silence my Servant; I want to break him.

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: Ah, could you repeat that?

Celenike: You heard me. I want to see his soul utterly fractured and scattered beyond repair, to see him screaming at my feet, to step in the puddles of his blood and tears. Anyone can merely kill, but it takes a true master to make even a proud Servant truly, wholly, theirs. Wholly mine. That is my greatest love in life.

Irisviel: If I may be so bold, you don't seem like you need any help coming up with ideas on how to make that happen...

Celenike: Quite right. Never is my mind so nimble and brilliant than when I have a new pet to break. But he is surprisingly resiliant. Oh, the hours I've put in trying to wear him down. He looks as though you could snap him in two with your fingers, and yet after all that torture... oh, did you know!? He barely looked as though he was in pain! He was bored! BORED!

Irisviel: Please stop shrieking.

Celenike: I must find a way to break his last shards of hope and resolve. Never before have I failed so! Tell me, tell me, what can I do!

Irisviel: You can turn yourself around and march off to someone who actually sympathizes with you, you sicko.

Celenike: Oh, you will regret this insult, homunculus. I will be back for you. Count on it.

Irisviel: Yeah, yeah. I'll be in my underground bunker. Don't wait up.


	47. Caules Forvedge Yggdmillennia

**Requested by: KnightSpark**

 **Current Client: Caules Forvedge Yggdmillennia**

Irisviel: Okay, I recognize him. He looks normal, nice, maybe a little moody, but not psychotic or traumatized or anything. I wonder if he ever went and married his Servant, though.

Caules: So, um, I've been here before, but I'm not sure where to start.

Irisviel: Start with your terrible childhood, then onto your daddy issues and wrap it up with a gripe about your Servant.

Caules:...

Irisviel: What? That's what people usually complain about.

Caules: Um, no. I have... sister issues.

Irisviel: Eh, that counts.

Caules: My sister has all the talent in the family, and while I'm not really jealous of her, there's just a lot of friction between us. She wants us to be friends, but I don't see how, not since I was only ever born to be her replacement as head of the family, and then our parents decided to go ahead and make her the head anyway.

Irisviel: Mage families. Am I right?

Caules: Uh, sure?

Irisviel: But don't let me interrupt you. Go on.

Caules: You just – whatever. It's not like I don't love her; I do, I really do. I just don't know what to do with her or myself.

Irisviel: Well, maybe you just need to spend more quality time with her.

Caules: I'm _always_ with her. She's in a wheelchair, and I'm her caretaker.

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: Then a little _less_ quality time. You two ought to develop your own hobbies and interests apart from each other so there's less opportunity for you to overwhelm each other with your presence.

Caules: Um, I like... anime?

Irisviel: Ha! Who doesn't?

Caules: Look, I just don't like the constant reminder that I can't even fulfill the one function for which I was born. Is that so unreasonable?

Irisviel: No.

Caules: A lot of help you are.

Irisviel: Why don't you just marry your Servant? You won't have time to think of your weird sister-brother relationship then.

Caules: I can't just marry my Servant! As soon as the Holy Grail War's over, she'll go poof!

Irisviel: More likely she'll go bang, or splat, or kablooie.

Caules: When did we start talking like four-year-olds?

Irisviel: You're the one who can't even play nice with his sister.

Caules: You're only nine!

Irisviel: How do you know that?

Caules: Bye.

Irisviel: No, wait! Come back! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?


	48. Fiore Forvedge Yggdmillennia

**Requested by: KnightSpark**

 **Current Client: Fiore Forvedge Yggdmillennia**

Irisviel: Oh woe. It's the sister. And she's adorable.

Fiore: Excuse me, Mrs. Von Einzbern?

Irisviel: I bet she has magitech spider legs or something.

Fiore: Are you talking to me?

Irisviel: No, I'm talking to the little voices in my head. Pray give your complaint.

Fiore: *winces* Well, I don't like to call it a complaint...

Irisviel: Here it comes. Brother issues.

Fiore: It's about the Holy Grail.

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: I would have prefered brother issues.

Fiore: It's that – well, you see, due to a malfunction in my magical circuits when I was born, I've been crippled and wheelchair-bound all my life. So I thought that, if I happened to win the Holy Grail War, I would wish for my legs to be strong and healthy, but still maintain my magic circuits.

Irisviel: That is a gloriously simple and straightforward wish, and I don't see any way the Holy Grail could interpret that as global destruction.

Fiore: *goggles*

Irisviel: When you've been possessed by the very corrupt sentience of the Holy Grail itself, you learn a lot of things.

Fiore: Ah... yes. Um. Well, then I had a talk with my Servant, and he told me his wish was to be immortal again.

Irisviel: I've stared immortality in the face, and let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Fiore: He has been immortal before and he liked it, just so you know.

Irisviel: Eh, no accounting for taste.

Fiore: It's because it's something that his parents bestowed upon him. In this day and age, it is all he has left of them, and to lose it is to deny them and who they made him to be. Also, he was very devoted to his life's work of teaching heroes, and I think he misses that.

Irisviel: Okay, so you both have adorably sappy wishes. What's the problem?

Fiore: His wish is so... I don't know. Grand scale. Larger scope. If his wish was granted, he would be able to help and train so many people. I just want to walk. I feel so... selfish.

Irisviel: What does he think?

Fiore: Oh, he fully supports me – he actually thinks his wish is selfish. But at least it would benefit others. Mine only really benefits myself for whatever amount of time I'm on this earth.

Irisviel: So you're all depressed about that?

Fiore: Yes.

Irisviel: Here's how it is. I've talked with your brother, and he makes you sound like a wonderful sister. He said you were the head of your family, but you don't want to be, right?

Fiore: But someone has to! Caules doesn't want to be either, and he – he's not that good with magic.

Irisviel: So why be mages at all? Seriously, mage families are nothing but big ol' disasters. Take the Tohsakas. Or the Matous. Or mine.

Fiore: I can't just do that. I have obligations.

Irisviel: They may complain now, but you'll all be much happier for it, I'm sure. You'll all have a much lower chance of being killed in horrible ways. Is just being normal people really such a terrible concept?

Fiore: Er...

Irisviel: Think it over. Eventually you'll come to realize I'm always right.

Fiore: Weren't you the one who suggested to Caules that he marry Berserker of Black? Because I don't know if you were right about that.

Irisviel: Hey, I just told him what she wanted. It'd have penetrated his skull sooner or later. And I am gonna see one happy wedding before I die, dang it.

Fiore: And... how often have you tried?

Irisviel: Oh, you have no idea. There's Shirou and Saber, Shirou and Rin, Shirou and Sakura, Tristan and – wait, no, not them. Just Shirou then. Heh, I'm pretty obsessed, aren't I?

Fiore: I'm just... going to excuse myself.


End file.
